Here are my suggestions for the paper: 

The grammatics are fine but as far as the paper goes a lot needs to be worked on. I feel like the transitions were rough. The analysis was mostly a summary. You have to figure out how to incorporate how she argues her point and explicitly point out the arguments she uses to make her main point and how they support her main point. When she gives quotes or arguments don't just say she used them and this is why. 

- Don't to talk about tone. And how it relates to our class.