DRAFT: This module has unpublished changes.

9/24/17 free write

There are some things in life that I have come to know as phases- things that I keep on experiencing because I feel like they build on each other.  When I was in grammar school I remember being in gym class and seeing a folder of a girl on our way out of the gymnasium (I think we are on our way out of the gym).  It was a Chuckles folder, with a picture of Chuckles candy on it.  It made me feel something inside, like I wasn’t what I wanted to be- and it also made me feel like I learned something new about the girl that had it.  It felt like there was some meaning behind the folder and the fact that the girl in my class had it, like there was some new characteristic that I attached to my knowledge of the girl.  I think that was a moment I will always remember, for some odd reason, because I felt in my intuition that it was a notable moment.   I remember something similar happening to me as a child, when I was very young and in a summer day camp.  We were on a field trip at the zoo and we were passing by an exhibit, a gorilla exhibit, and there were a lot of people watching it/them, including a guy with a video camera, and a gorilla fell, hard, on the floor, from above, and the whole group of people responded verbally-that part if I remember correctly.  And then, it was before/during/after that, I remember walking up (I can’t remember if this part was from that zoo trip or another one, but my intuition says that it was the same trip) the ramp that was lined with lights because the atmosphere was dark. 

That was just one moment in my life that I remember knowing was important, in my intuition.  I remember being a twenty-year-old and often going to Oriole Park to take a walk, listening to my CD player, carrying my CD’s in my bag, to the point where they got scratched.  I remember listening to a Faith Evans song as I got to a certain point on the path- I also remember a woman that could have been in her thirties or forties looking at my outfit funny.  I remember asking in the field house if I could walk laps in the gymnasium during the winter.  And I remember going through the process of running away from home, hanging out at Oriole Park, after picking up some chicken tenders at Jewel.  I remember being so mad at my family (was it just my mom?) that I had it set in my mind that I was going to stay there to the point where my parents would think that I ran away from home.  I remember having problems on my mind, one being one to the point that I didn’t know if I’d be ok for the rest of my life because of how I thought people would never think of me as an equal- and then one day when I went to the park, I think I was twenty, and I was walking, if I remember correctly, along the curb, and I had one of those moments where something deep inside of me realized that everything would be alright.  It was the thing where the thing in me knew it, even though my problem seemed unsolvable.  Part of the reason the thing in me knew it was true was that I had one of those moments where I was alone but  really happy at the same time- if I remember correctly, I was walking on the curb and looking into/at the curb, where there were puddles/a puddle, with leaves in it, and it looked really peaceful- it was the thing where I was finally at peace with God- it was kind of like one of those moments where a bunch of autumn leaves fall from a tree with the wind, dancing with a melody, and it seems magical and mystical, like it is something that doesn’t belong in real life, but you catch it and wonder if anyone else saw it. 

I feel like sometimes in life stages overlap stages, where you solve one problem in the midst of another, or where someone from your past who you never thought you’d see again pops up in your life, and it makes you wonder what the next thing will be.  It’s like the thing where you finally get one bad memory out of your mind just in time to be burdened by another.  It’s more than just maturing physically, it’s like you grow mentally and emotionally, all while having memories that you’ll never forget, throughout each of these phases.

DRAFT: This module has unpublished changes.