Free Write

I had a dream a long time ago that I was in heaven and someone (Bob) from the second neighborhood was there.  There was an Irish vibe to the thing and it didn’t seem like heaven but I felt it- it was probably heaven because I wasn’t scared of him and I knew I would be safe even though I was right next to the ultimate danger.  It was the amazing/magic thing- and there was just grass and lawn chairs, and he was sitting in one nonchalantly.  It was one of, if not the first, of a long succession of amazing dreams, of the new heaven, the thing angels would think is the new heaven/ Third Reich thing that Hitler wanted and died trying to get but never achieved, something through only the love of a parent could be passed on to a human being.  Not wolf (heaven, because after dogs die they go to heaven and become wolves because wolves are the free version of a dog), not woof (the traditional mind numbing thing that people associate with hell), but woo-lf (the European version of woof (or wolf) that I associate with danger but in a good way, because what is possible to happen with them (dogs) will change everything).  The other dream I associate with it is the one where I am alone with a girl in a room among aloot of people and people know I’m there but it seems like at the same time they don’t, either that or it’s that they don’t care- because at the same time I am being with the holy/magic thing.  It was just me and the girl and a sign on a wall that I remember knowing wasn’t anything that I’d ever seen before, but now I most associate with French.  It’s the magic thing where right before I went to the hospital the face of a kid in a car passing by looked like a fucked up Picasso painting, it’s the feeling I get whenever I pass a house that I know is the amazing/evil thing at the same time, one that I know isn’t empty even though I don’t see anyone in the window.  It’s the thing that after I have come to know it I wish I could be with every day, I wish I could experience even when I’m awake, because it is the new heaven (for me) that one can only find by going through a new hell. 

I have had other strange dreams, but one of these times when I remember feeling the amazing magic thing is when I was in a room alone, and when my attention drew itself to the hardwood floors, I felt the thing where I knew I was alone and not alone at the same time.  It felt like I was dwelling in Van Gogh’s The Bedroom because of the way in which I interpreted the floor as surreal; the lines, the colors, the way in which I knew there was something more than what was physically there. 

I have felt this feeling as a child, when I had not yet understood everything, a world, that would become something much more real and serious as an adult, but I was unable, as a child, to understand this, without family.  I think it is dangerous, it would have been dangerous, to live in such an existence alone; this is where I think the true danger lies.

I think I want to say that the one time I experienced this feeling when I was awake, even if only in a one- percent manner, was when I saw the guy that I realized was dangerous only after I saw another man speeding down the sidewalk across the street from me- I knew the speed walking man from past experiences.  I haven’t seen him in a long time.  I saw him walking in a manner in which I know he was the bad kind of sprung after seeing the first man, after I saw the first man.  I had known the speeding kid from before, I knew his ways, I knew what made him tick, and the way in which I saw him walk made me later realize that he had seen me cross the other man’s path, and that I might have been in trouble.  The speeding man was a trouble maker that I was in love with at one of the worst periods in my life, and I had to experience something that I will never forget to realize that I wasn’t really in love with him.  Right now I am experiencing something similar.

The guy I crossed paths with initially looked shaggy, with dark hair, dressed in drab clothing.  He looked like something out of the 1800’s, and he also looked like a boy I had a crush on in freshman and sophomore year in high school.  I’ll never forget the feeling I got when I passed him.  It felt like he was a meteor passing the earth, like I didn’t know what I was getting into when I passed him until he was out of sight.  Looking back, I may have been looking down a bit, maybe out of reverence, maybe out of fear of the unknown.  You never really understand that which you see in the dark, anyways, and it was dark out.  I walked over green grass of an open field, past the posts of soccer goals, thinking I was alone until this misplaced person passed me in an anonymous way.  His expression was somewhat neutral, I can’t exactly remember it, as I did not realize at the time that those few moments in which I passed the guy would be what I would want to be able to remember for the rest of my life.  I was alone walking the streets in a place where I did not feel welcome, in the night, alone.  What I will always wonder is which of the two honestly was the dangerous one.