Fiction- OR IS IT? I didn’t edit this- beware of grammatical mistakes

The Doppelganger- A Poem

That day in Evanston I walked with a man whose skin was darker than mine.  I knew him because I lived in the same nursing home as him, and we had spent some time together doing stuff such as playing pool.  To the best of my recollection, he was better (at pool) than me.  The lakeside in Evanston was beautiful, especially when it was at or around dark, in the warm weather when the clouds seemed to goo one forever, white puffs of cotton, layer after layer, wave after wave.  If I remember correctly, we reached the lakeside at or around dark, and we sat on the huge boulders that lined the water.  This was a place where a lot of people hung out, couples, friends, family.  He stood taller than me on the rocks, and we were there (INTIMATLY) until we decided to leave.  I remember him offering me a lollipop, and I think I remember saying no thanks.  Then on the walk home, he was silent.  He never (hardly ever?) talked- we were just there, together, and I wanted to be with him because I thought he was a person who he wasn’t.  I wasn’t being catatonic or anything, I just wanted to be with a guy that I found out later he wasn’t- his doppelganger.  Even though the guy I was with was black and JC was white, I thought, for some reason that is slightly (just a bit) beyond me, that I was being with him.  Maybe it was because of whatever it was at the nursing home that set off a little bit of magic, a little bit of schizophrenia, a little bit of whatever lie on the other side (of everything), but I thought I was being with JC.  Now I think I remember thinking that this guy that I saw at the day program was actually JC, so that I could be with JC during a crucial point in my life- thanks to The Guy, and God, and whatever else may have made it possible.  Who knows what I was thinking at the time, but on the way home I remember kissing him on the cheek/trying to kiss him on the cheek, and him backing off in his own way and actually making a noise with his mouth- I remember him saying “Ew” or “back off” or something along those lines.  And then we parted ways.  I found the park where I spent many a days and nights swinging on the swings, even when it was cold, even when it was dark, even when it was cold and dark.  I found my spot on a swing, and then I remember seeing him again, the black doppelganger of JC.  And I think then he left.  And then I think I remember having a sixth sense that I was still with him, in some odd way.  The black version of JC was to my right, and then I had this premonition, if I remember correctly, that I was still with him, but I remember the thing in me thinking that I was actually with JC- the white, real version of him.  And then I looked to my left, if I remember correctly (and I think I do), while I was on a swing, and I saw a guy that at the moment I thought was real JC- the white version of him, and I think I remember him wearing a hat, like an Irish walking cap, or something like that, maybe, and I remember thinking it was the real JC because of his energy.  I think I remember him having that bounce in his step that I associated with him- unless it was JT being a double of JC- unless I was looking at the guy with the hat and thinking it was the real JC (but it was JT) just like I thought that the black guy was actually JC.  It was confusing.  And I am still not sure who it was to my left- buy my intuition tells me that it was actually JC (somewhere in between).  Did I not get a good enough look at the guy? Who knows.  But something in me told me that the guy to the left was JC.

Something similar happened to me, I think it was around the time when I first moved into the nursing home- maybe a year or two into my stay there (If my mom ever reads this she’ll never make me go back there).  A staff there invited me to go to his apartment.  He asked me if I was getting my period soon or if I was on it (if I remember it correctly), but at the time I didn’t know what this meant, what he was trying to imply.  I think I remember a lot of people there knowing about it- I don’t remember exactly how many people knew because it was a long time ago, but I remember at least one girl knowing- her name was Jenny and I was good friends with her and I think I remember her saying (I don’t remember if it was mentally or actual words) that I should go.  Looking back I think she wasn’t trying to be mean- I think she was serious- and looking back the thing in me (I don’t remember if I knew this sat the time- I might have known some version of it) thought she said I should go because it was something important- maybe because The Guy or God or whatever magic I gained from living there/was living with at the time (two different kinds, in a way, but at the same time the same) was probably the reason why it would be important for me to go- maybe after it I wouldn’t be scared of whatever lay ahead in life- maybe The Guy or God or The Magic considered it important that I face any fears that lay inside of me about similar situations (about sex).  So I went.  And I didn’t figure it out until I got there.  His apartment was small, with a bed and a tv and a kitchen area, if I remember correctly.  And I figured it out, I think, but I don’t remember exactly at what point.  He kissed me a bit, but I turned him down- so still, to this day, I am not a prostitute.  Did The Guy, God, or The Magic consider it important that I face whatever fears I had in me about prostitution?  Or about sex in general?  That night didn’t have to happen; it shouldn’t have happened, but it did- and it still scares me a bit about what could have happened- but it didn’t.  I think I remember him taking me home, takin the train (the same way we got to his apartment), and a girl that I remember recognizing, who I think I remember either being a staff person or a resident at the nursing home, helped me get back to the nursing home, from one point.  I think I remember we got to a certain point and then we saw the girl, she was black and reminded me of BS from my first high school experience (maybe a doppelganger of her), and she helped me get back home- to the nursing home.  I think I remember it being a few days later the guy who took me to his apartment gave me some money- I think it was twenty dollars or so, and he said he’d give me the rest later, but he never did, maybe because the thing he thought he would pay me for never happened.

Years later I moved out of the nursing home.  One day I was at the Dunkin Donuts by my apartment and I was sitting at a table, and then I saw a black guy who after a moment or two I remember recognizing as the guy who took me to his apartment.  I was kind of scared, but I stay put, if I remember correctly, until he left.  I don’t remember if he threatened me or not; I think he didn’t, but The Guy/God/The Magic inside of me knew that something was up.  I think I remember that the only thing the guy that took me to his apartment said was something that let me know that he was that guy, the guy that took me to his apartment.  I guess I should have been scared, and I think I remember being a little scared, but he left, and that was that.  Unless I ever have to see him again. 

I saw the doppelganger of JC recently, walking by my apartment- which is odd, because the nursing home is in Evanston, and I live a ways away from there now.  That made me wonder, but it wasn’t a big deal, just like how it wasn’t that big of a deal that I saw the staff person at the Dunkin Donuts by my apartment.  Who knows how doppelgangers work- but those two things happened, having to do with The Guy/God/The Magic that was with me then and is with me now.  I just hope I never need to experience anything like that again, even if it means I can see a doppelganger.