Daydreaming- A Sonnet

“I knew this was our time” 23, Jimmy Eat World

It’s our sophomore year, at midnight, in the middle of October

And Robert and I hide out in his attic, by the windows

And I find his place under the covers

His need of me makes him my fanatic

And in some way, we are absent-minded, genius, lovers

I have never been alone with Robert

I have never seen his bedroom until now

Our faith in each other is dignified by touch

And my need for his hand to be in mine

And only the angels above would watch

And write in their diaries, that this was love, defined

I tell him to not hit his head on the backboard

Like he did the last time

And only the negative amount of maturity he lacks for

Is what makes him mine, and only mine

His eyes are green, his skin is cool to the touch and his brown, fuzzy hair is too greasy

But the thing in me couldn’t love anyone as deeply

The first time he invited me in his bedroom it was too messy to see

His twin bed that hid in the upper right-hand corner

And across from that there was his picture of me

His green eyes left my heart even sorer

Feet intertwined and him on top of me

We both closed our eyes the third time

It felt like something in me set myself free

And that it was this was our only way to rhyme

The night after the third time we sat alone in the shaded green and grey courtyard

That was a short ten-minute walk away

Not knowing what to say didn’t make it so hard

And the black sky could have been my perfect day

This is how I imagine it to be alone with Robert,

But still he just draws my name in the dry dirt

“Alone with Robert”

I used to day dream all the time about Robert, to the point of distraction, but he never seemed to do the same.  Robert was a boy in high school I used to be attracted to.  When we first started to be friends, we were fifteen years old and went to the same private school.  I transferred schools my sophomore year, and he and I never talked again.  He used to flirt with other girls, including a girl that was my best friend.  I always wondered what happened to him, and I could see myself being alone with him in several different ways. 

I was hospitalized twelve years ago for depression, and thinking of him during my time in the hospital was what got me through the hardest nights.  I never wanted to leave my room, I always wanted to sleep, and I remember having my head against my pillow, thinking of everything I left behind the first time I was hospitalized at fifteen years old, before I transferred schools.  I was twenty-two at the time when I was hospitalized the second time.  I remembered reminiscing about him, and his persona as a clown, someone who joked his way through everything.  I would close my eyes and see the orange that I pictured what hell was, and remembered Robert; best described, as a joker, that always made me laugh.  I didn’t see myself being alone with him while we were teenagers, I was too immature to pursue a relationship at fifteen years old, but he was one of the guys in my life that I felt very strongly toward, someone that I could disclosed all of myself too with out being embarrassed.  Still to this day I associate the orange clouds behind my closed eyelids with him and the soul that I used to see all the time.  But not anymore.