Free write 4/22/18 unedited

What is the perfect supportive relationship?

It’s only for few to know

What are cold to warm colors

Which never really show

I’ve never had a boyfriend

That has given me what I want

I think that the perfect male

Is something that I am just not

Usually guys ask girls out

And take them out on dates

And later, share

All their devious ways

The perfect guy for me is someone who supports me

To the ends of the earth

And even after that

Before being was given birth

That’s all that I need

Is for someone to love me inside out

I need someone to take the lead

When we have nothing to talk about

One of the guys that has got my attention

Was a boy I met long ago

When he would speak he’d release all the tension

Would rise in the room- from high, to middle, to low

And he is something I almost can’t handle

And he feels the same way about me

And whenever I am feeling down in the dumps, down low

He makes the space in the room go from you to we

My boyfriend

Is a guy I grew up with for a few years.  He has brown hair and brown eyes.  I remember when we were younger I met him for the first time on the first day of school- he was in my homeroom and I don’t remember him that day buy I know he was there.  And I was mean to boys in front of him and I think that’s how he figured out that the thing I strive for most in life is affection.  Who doesn’t, if you think about it- but I think he sees me in a different light- like someone that knows what is in the back of my head, and that’s why he throws his head back when he laughs without ill intent, and I wonder what exactly he feels to make him look so happy when he is around me.

I was sixteen when I last saw him, and then after a while I started to think about him again.  His best friend was also in my home room and I remember him as the black and curly haired tall boy that came up to me one time from behind and put his hands on my hips, and I was fifteen and awkward and didn’t know how to handle that sort of public display of affection.  I wish I could go back to that exact point in time and do it over again.  Affection is something that is great when it happens and disappointing when it is over.  Kind of like when I want to sleep late because I feel so at rest but it’s not just from me getting rest, it’s from that feeling you get during unconsciousness when you can’t really see but a series of mini- dreams display themselves, and it feels great to not have to deal with the reality that is facing when you wake up.  I wonder if that’s how angels touch base.  Maybe they go to bed with everything in their minds that they noted throughout the day and then go to bed and see other angels that are still up in heaven, and they tell them what’s up.  Can angels conform?  Can the evil and wrong that take place on earth make an angel fall?  Is that fair?

 One disability I could never endure would be blindness.  Only because you wouldn’t be able to see all the beauty and truth that the colors of life offer.  I have a memory of walking to a party when I was fifteen.  Across the way were three people I recognized from school.  The girl in the middle waved to me.  They say people with a disability where they lack one of their senses gain more sensory in other senses.  I wonder if I was blind, if the wind produced by the girl in the middle would hit my face, like a gust of wind.  What would happen if I sensed that the three people were John, Marley, and Jack?  Would I know it was them?  What if they summoned the Gods of blindness waiting in heaven for those who are blind, and made the decision that they wanted their order that they were in to be disfigured to me?  Would I be waving to John instead?  I don’t remember any of them actually saying anything, just the action of the wave stays with me.  What if, the version of me that is blind from a past or present life had a fight with those three people, and they got their revenge on me by appearing- out of order.  The fact that this is probably probably not true but when you start to mess with reality, who knows what one is capable of.  I know from experience that those who fear something and then are able to do the same to another fall from good grace.  Anytime anyone consciously knows that they are a worse person than they were before and don’t care about it, needs redemption from a Godly source.  But I think the angels above only pick a select few to be redeemed, those who are truly sorry for their sins.  Everyone else just has to wait their turn.