Lately I have been feeling outside of myself, my thoughts and actions have reflected the facts in my head that want to show themselves but can’t.  Glances dictate where I look next and motivation falls from me like leaves from a tree.  People pass by wearing white shoes and black shoes and Converses and adverse colors that clash like a lightening bolt across the sky.  The lake looks green today, for me, because it is the day before St. Patrick’s Day.  The seaweed drifts from left to right as I look across the lake to see the love of my life sitting on the concrete bench where I used to go to sit on the grass, to see passerby’s walking there dogs, and to pass people taking wedding photos, with the fear that I will never have another dog and that I won’t get married- ever.  I am 34 years old and still I find myself at a loss for words when people ask me what I want to do with my life.  Will I ever land that dream job?  Who knows, do snowflakes ever find their match? 

I am sitting at a Starbucks and people think I am someone I am not.  If I ever were able to switch places with someone, it would be with my friend Anne.  She looks like the guy that I used to love, but feminine.  She looks like the girl who runs through the night with a boy wearing a walking cap in Mariah Carey’s video for “Always Be My Baby.”  I envy their innocence just as I envy Anne and her cheeks and the way she sees the world and the way that she knows what she is scared of and this goes straight to the look in her eyes, instead of repression.  I have never seen her before- ok, maybe once, I think it was her, we were waiting for the train and she walked up to me and almost demanded that I look at her, but in the nicest way.  And after that we were hooked, like twins, who knew what each other was thinking and seeing and doing with a psychiatric way.  Is this true, or am I saying it just to get a rise out of you?  All I know is that Anne has her fears as well. 

One might say that I am catatonic, sometimes.  But is this true since no one can prove it, since no one can see things from my perspective?  I am the only one on my side of my vision, so who knows if I am really paying attention, using my sixth sense to see what is going on with the whites of my eyes, or better explained, through something god-like?  We are all with God in our special ways, so maybe I am with Her when I am scared and don’t want to see what is in front of me.  The cars pass me at night and feel the buzz of me being on the computer, as I feel the soft passing of tires.  This is why I stay up late at night, and this is why I can never get up in the morning, because the crazy stuff always passes around midnight.